Lapthorne's the name, and DIY's the game. Oh yes! - nothing makes me happier than when I'm on the job, sorting out a young housewife's blocked pipes. Or any other repair work she needs doing for that matter.

If I'm not playing my 'axe' in Roy, I'm normally found fiddling about with my other tools at Lapthorne's DIY Heaven - down on the High Street, just past the alley where everyone goes for a slash on Friday nights when the pubs chuck out.

I've loved DIY ever since I was a teenager. My latest project has hit a bit of a snag, though. The mock-Tudor feel I've been trying to achieve in mine and Maureen's bedroom just isn't quite working. Maureen's called in that 'Changing Rooms' lot off the telly, but I don't know how that Lawrence Poncington-Ponce bloke thinks he's going to do any better than I have. The two-bob chancer!

I'm also the Assistant-Vice-Secretary of the Bagshot And District Amateur Sailing Society, or B.A.D.A.S.S. as we prefer to be known. We meet every second Tuesday in the 'Jolly Roger'. We don't get round to doing much sailing, but it's a great excuse to drink rum and dance the 'hornpipe'. Don't tell that to Maureen though!